Nomad

I often feel like I have no idea what I'm doing in this life or where I am going. For the most part, I'm really happy with my life and everything I have in it, but there's always a fear of the future. Over the past few months, I've learned how to live life in the moment and just enjoying the act of "being". What bothers me is the uncertainty and lack of a plan for my future.

Whenever I try to plan, I start questioning what I really want. I am worried to fall into the same trap I did years ago. I am worried that I will start to build up something new all over, only to have to give it all up at some point again. Then the other question that arises is always, "what exactly am I looking to build?". I feel as though I can look backwards on the past and pinpoint huge turning points that led me to where I am today. What I cannot do, is see how my present will lead me into a future.

I feel like a nomad or misfit most of the time. Everyone seems to have a place that they belong to, whereas I am just waiting to see where I fit in. All of the puzzle pieces are finally in front of my eyes but they often mean nothing because I cannot tell how everything falls together. I want everything and nothing at the exact same time because my heart leads me in directions that often leave me feeling frustrated.

There are many moments where I feel completely contrasting emotions. I realize that I'm still mourning the loss of my old life and the person I used to be. I sometimes find myself wanting to scream out loud and wish I could turn back time. I miss having a partner that would reassure me that I was doing the right thing, even if that person was wrong. I miss having a person that I could confess my fears to, even if they laughed at me for doing so. It crosses my mind quite often that I have ruined the life that I had built, for the wrong reasons.

On the opposite end of my spectrum of thoughts, a part of me feels like a wild mustang that does not wish to be tamed. My soul desires to soar and be free. I have the opportunity to start something new. Who joins me on this journey? I don't know. I do, however, know that the people who I will allow to join me will never put me in chains ever again.

 I realize now that I built something with someone who I have grown to hate.