Hoping For Forgiveness

I realize since my divorce that I've been stuck living dual lives. My old life anchors me down and cripples me. I cannot continue to live both lives, especially since they contrast each other so much. The past couple of days have been excruciating. I feel like I've been chasing my own tail, running around in circles trying to come up with solutions, only to find myself right back where I started.

I cannot continue to live both lives. One must be let go. For once, I have to do something for myself not only because it feels good but because it's the only way to stop the negative cycle from returning. I am no longer willing to compromise what I want in my future by protect my past. This won't be an easy journey but I have to aim to achieve the future I envision rather than dwelling on the present.

Today, I have to do something painful to move on. I have to do something which brings me no pride nor happiness. I have to cause pain to others in order to move on. This goes completely against my every belief but right now, there are no other options. When no other paths are available, sometimes we are left having to take the darkest path.

In a mere few hours, I will be breaking a promise to 3 friends that have been with me throughout their entire lives. My pets have never lived with any pain, fear, or confusion. They have always had a life of freedom in a safe and loving home. Today, I condemn them to cages. Today, I cannot explain to them why I have to do what I have to do. I will not be there to comfort them or take away their fears. I think about them sitting in cages all alone, staring out and wondering what they did to deserve it. They are innocent and I have no way to tell them that.

They are casualties. The entire life that I have to leave behind is a casualty. Some people will think this decision is selfish or wrong. Unfortunately, I do not have the luxury of time, support, or money. Sometimes we have to do despicable things to ensure that we don't cause more damage in the future. I will never see the sun again.

Identity Crisis

I debated whether or not I wanted to post this or not and for some reason I'm deciding to. Lately, I've been having trouble writing for this blog because I feel like I can't complete any thoughts or that I begin writing and my thoughts get a bit too personal for the public eye. I'm deciding to post this for no other reason other than that I want to. If someone reads this and relates, great. If not, then the internet will just have a bit more junk added to it today.

Anyone who has spent a fair amount of time with me lately, knows that I have been going through a sort of identity crisis. I sometimes find myself in situations where I feel very uncomfortable or very fearful of doing something. I have that moment of doubt because I still feel extremely unsure of who I am and I keep surprising myself with my own reactions.

Many people do not realize just how much of a change I am going through right now. Some people do. The change has been pretty drastic but I think most people will agree that the change has been nothing but positive. I want to bury the old me and purge my life of negativity and fear. I think there are really 3 main aspects to my identity journey. I now have the answers to a ton of questions but I have yet to figure out how these pieces fall into place.

• In my entire life, I have never truly felt comfortable in my own skin. I am disgusted at times when I think of the damage I have done to myself over the years. Many of the scars that I bear are a constant reminder of the hatred that my body is capable of. My physical weakness is a direct reflection of a bad lifestyle that lasted for so many years. I realize that I have taken many steps to remedy these issues but it is still quite easy to fall into a trap of frustration. Just because a person decides to find a solution and pursue it, does not necessarily mean it will be an easy journey.

• Another aspect I have been trying to figure out is my sexuality and what types of characteristics are a part of me. I don't really like the idea of crazy labels or categories but at the same time, I'm starting to think that my sexuality will play a larger role in any of my decisions to pursue any type of romantic relationship in the future. One of my biggest fears after my breakup was that I would have to enter some crazy hyper-sexual world in order to create a relationship with someone. I think that because I am able to be in a relationship with any person (bi/pan), there is a horribly wrong assumption that I must be an extremely sexual person. As part of my self-discovery, I realize that my next partner must be respectful of this.  

• The last big thing that keeps me awake at night is just the inability to eliminate all of my fears. I am so happy with my life right now, that I always have the constant fear that I will one day lose it all. I feel blessed to be able to share my time with special people. I sometimes worry that I'm actually insane and that my brain has created a life of illusion. I know what my heart feels and I want to know that I will continue to remember the value of that. I lost touch with that once and it's something that I really never want to lose again.

I am so grateful for this opportunity in my life to explore who I am and what type of life I want to have. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a dream world because I can't believe how incredible the people around me are. I strive to make myself worthy enough to have wonderful people in my life. Life is all about balance. I have seen the darkness, now it's time to see the light.  

A Long Time To Be Silent

I thought about being single today. I remember a time where I was terrified to be alone because I wasn't sure if I could survive on my own. I was afraid of being lonely and possibly never finding someone new again. I look at things in a different light these days. A much more hopeful and goal oriented approach.

I no longer see relationships as an investment. I think when people look at it from that perspective, it makes relationships become quantitative. Regardless of how any relationship ends up, I think they should just be appreciated for what they are during the present time. No one can predict the future and no one be certain that tomorrow will be the same as today.

That being said, I do indeed want to grow old with someone. The difference in my approach is that I do not NEED to grow old with someone. I do not want to “obtain” a partner or feel like they “belong” to me. I want to share my time with someone, not give it away.

Truthfully, I actually do have the perfect idea of a person in mind. This person will be empowered, social, kindhearted, and independent. This person will challenge me to do things that I wouldn't normally do and enjoy the journey with me. This person will terrify me and make me feel brave all at the exact same time. I currently feel unworthy of such a person today. It is part of the reason I strive to become a better person.

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I wrote this article originally on 06/13/2013. I never felt right about posting it on my blog back then but I feel like it is more appropriate now for some reason. I haven’t been writing regularly because I’ve been experiencing a sort of writer’s block. Inspiration is nearby and I will have something valuable to write about soon!