Identity Crisis

I debated whether or not I wanted to post this or not and for some reason I'm deciding to. Lately, I've been having trouble writing for this blog because I feel like I can't complete any thoughts or that I begin writing and my thoughts get a bit too personal for the public eye. I'm deciding to post this for no other reason other than that I want to. If someone reads this and relates, great. If not, then the internet will just have a bit more junk added to it today.

Anyone who has spent a fair amount of time with me lately, knows that I have been going through a sort of identity crisis. I sometimes find myself in situations where I feel very uncomfortable or very fearful of doing something. I have that moment of doubt because I still feel extremely unsure of who I am and I keep surprising myself with my own reactions.

Many people do not realize just how much of a change I am going through right now. Some people do. The change has been pretty drastic but I think most people will agree that the change has been nothing but positive. I want to bury the old me and purge my life of negativity and fear. I think there are really 3 main aspects to my identity journey. I now have the answers to a ton of questions but I have yet to figure out how these pieces fall into place.

• In my entire life, I have never truly felt comfortable in my own skin. I am disgusted at times when I think of the damage I have done to myself over the years. Many of the scars that I bear are a constant reminder of the hatred that my body is capable of. My physical weakness is a direct reflection of a bad lifestyle that lasted for so many years. I realize that I have taken many steps to remedy these issues but it is still quite easy to fall into a trap of frustration. Just because a person decides to find a solution and pursue it, does not necessarily mean it will be an easy journey.

• Another aspect I have been trying to figure out is my sexuality and what types of characteristics are a part of me. I don't really like the idea of crazy labels or categories but at the same time, I'm starting to think that my sexuality will play a larger role in any of my decisions to pursue any type of romantic relationship in the future. One of my biggest fears after my breakup was that I would have to enter some crazy hyper-sexual world in order to create a relationship with someone. I think that because I am able to be in a relationship with any person (bi/pan), there is a horribly wrong assumption that I must be an extremely sexual person. As part of my self-discovery, I realize that my next partner must be respectful of this.  

• The last big thing that keeps me awake at night is just the inability to eliminate all of my fears. I am so happy with my life right now, that I always have the constant fear that I will one day lose it all. I feel blessed to be able to share my time with special people. I sometimes worry that I'm actually insane and that my brain has created a life of illusion. I know what my heart feels and I want to know that I will continue to remember the value of that. I lost touch with that once and it's something that I really never want to lose again.

I am so grateful for this opportunity in my life to explore who I am and what type of life I want to have. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a dream world because I can't believe how incredible the people around me are. I strive to make myself worthy enough to have wonderful people in my life. Life is all about balance. I have seen the darkness, now it's time to see the light.