Nomad

I often feel like I have no idea what I'm doing in this life or where I am going. For the most part, I'm really happy with my life and everything I have in it, but there's always a fear of the future. Over the past few months, I've learned how to live life in the moment and just enjoying the act of "being". What bothers me is the uncertainty and lack of a plan for my future.

Whenever I try to plan, I start questioning what I really want. I am worried to fall into the same trap I did years ago. I am worried that I will start to build up something new all over, only to have to give it all up at some point again. Then the other question that arises is always, "what exactly am I looking to build?". I feel as though I can look backwards on the past and pinpoint huge turning points that led me to where I am today. What I cannot do, is see how my present will lead me into a future.

I feel like a nomad or misfit most of the time. Everyone seems to have a place that they belong to, whereas I am just waiting to see where I fit in. All of the puzzle pieces are finally in front of my eyes but they often mean nothing because I cannot tell how everything falls together. I want everything and nothing at the exact same time because my heart leads me in directions that often leave me feeling frustrated.

There are many moments where I feel completely contrasting emotions. I realize that I'm still mourning the loss of my old life and the person I used to be. I sometimes find myself wanting to scream out loud and wish I could turn back time. I miss having a partner that would reassure me that I was doing the right thing, even if that person was wrong. I miss having a person that I could confess my fears to, even if they laughed at me for doing so. It crosses my mind quite often that I have ruined the life that I had built, for the wrong reasons.

On the opposite end of my spectrum of thoughts, a part of me feels like a wild mustang that does not wish to be tamed. My soul desires to soar and be free. I have the opportunity to start something new. Who joins me on this journey? I don't know. I do, however, know that the people who I will allow to join me will never put me in chains ever again.

 I realize now that I built something with someone who I have grown to hate.

Hindsight is 20/20

About a million things have changed in my life over the past 7 months. When you're in the moment and trying to make sense of everything, it can sometimes be hard to slow down and begin to understand the momentum of "the bigger picture". It was not until just a few weeks ago that I have been able to step back from my former life and actually take a deep breath. I often feel like I just outran an avalanche. Changes would not stop occurring and calamity just seemed to cascade into every aspect of my life.

There were times that I felt a bit overwhelmed and still do feel that way. So many changes occurred in such a small period of time, that I am only now having time to absorb my reality and to allow my mind to react. Everything occurred at such a fast pace that I feel as though I had to ignore some of my emotions just so that I could keep thriving. I am only now able to sit down and feel the weight of everything and it blows my mind!

I sit back and think of all of the mistakes I had to make and all of the losses that had to be accepted in order to get to where I am today. Most of the losses bear very little weight, however, there are still a few losses that feel a bit tragic in my heart. Regardless of such feelings, given the ability to turn back time and change the course of events, I would not change a thing. For as much tragedy that was experienced, I have experienced ten times more joy as well. There are certain people in my life today that would not be here with me if I had done things differently and I would gladly suffer through everything over and over again to get this result.

Whenever I feel like throwing in the towel, I always remember that without struggle or challenge, strength has no need to exist. I can look back on the past and see a much weaker version of myself. I like to think that the majority of my decisions over the past few months have been made by a person who is good and kindhearted; this is something that I was not.  I was a fearful snake that would often attack and slither away. Today, I feel like I've become a powerful and fearless tiger. I can choose to be ferocious or I can be gentle. For the first time in my life, I am actually beginning to like the person I want to be.

I realize how much there is to discover in life. I realize that I want to be unchained. Real love has no weight, it uplifts.

Recovering From The Flood

The less you need and the less you want, the easier it is to be happy. Some people have approached me recently to ask how I've been doing and when they hear my response, the look on their faces is almost tragic. People do not realize how much they depend and rely on people and things to give them comfort or give them a sense of happiness. It goes without saying that we should not depend on materialistic things to keep ourselves happy. To a less obvious degree, many people don't realize or agree that the only being that one should ever depend on is themselves.

Last week was quite possibly one of the most difficult weeks of my life. It felt like a constant barrage of negativity and complication. It seemed like no matter how much I tried to solve a problem, I would just be challenged again with another one.

At one point I became so overwhelmed that I had to let myself completely succumb to the negativity. It blanketed me and obfuscated the brightness of my soul. In many ways I felt like it extinguished the part of me that I was beginning to like. It extinguished my desire to smile and the willingness to be good.

I let the darkness consume me and let myself cope in a darker way. I let my heart fill up with anger and sadness. I let myself unravel and become nothing but a lifeless shell of misery. I let myself feed off of pain and I reverted back to my old way of thinking. I felt completely hopeless and alone. My heart overflowed with tears and sadness.

I was fearful for a while that I would never be able to recover and never be able to feel like myself again. I was scared that I would get stuck so far into negativity that I would never smile again. I was scared that I would be trapped as a product of my environment and that I would have to react in ways that I found to be despicable.


I eventually came to the conclusion that everyone lives their own life and makes their own decisions. I know that people will judge some of the decisions I make/have made but they do not have to lie in the bed I make. I have lived my entire life trying to achieve a life that society has made me believe that I need. I have compromised myself to try to achieve something that I never really felt was right. Today, I am wise enough to realize that I no longer have to compromise myself and that I am strong enough to go after the life I truly want.

There are certain things that cannot be bought - love, time, forgiveness. There are also largely different variations of all of these things. Sometimes you can find yourself spinning your tires and getting frustrated because you go on a journey looking for the wrong variation. At one of the lowest points in my life, I remember making a wish for someone who would come into my life and rescue me. I realize now that this person was around me all along and what really changed was my own ability to see them. I realize that what I sought was for a person who would inspire me enough to rescue myself.


Now, I embark upon a journey to discover and rebuild the life that I really want. As I rebuild myself, I keep two things in mind:

1. Never depend on anyone but yourself. We cannot expect to wake up tomorrow with the exact same life as today. The only thing we can truly ever understand is our own strengths and weaknesses.   
2. Never rely on anyone or anything for happiness. When one requires nothing, there is no longer risk associated with it being taken away.

Hoping For Forgiveness

I realize since my divorce that I've been stuck living dual lives. My old life anchors me down and cripples me. I cannot continue to live both lives, especially since they contrast each other so much. The past couple of days have been excruciating. I feel like I've been chasing my own tail, running around in circles trying to come up with solutions, only to find myself right back where I started.

I cannot continue to live both lives. One must be let go. For once, I have to do something for myself not only because it feels good but because it's the only way to stop the negative cycle from returning. I am no longer willing to compromise what I want in my future by protect my past. This won't be an easy journey but I have to aim to achieve the future I envision rather than dwelling on the present.

Today, I have to do something painful to move on. I have to do something which brings me no pride nor happiness. I have to cause pain to others in order to move on. This goes completely against my every belief but right now, there are no other options. When no other paths are available, sometimes we are left having to take the darkest path.

In a mere few hours, I will be breaking a promise to 3 friends that have been with me throughout their entire lives. My pets have never lived with any pain, fear, or confusion. They have always had a life of freedom in a safe and loving home. Today, I condemn them to cages. Today, I cannot explain to them why I have to do what I have to do. I will not be there to comfort them or take away their fears. I think about them sitting in cages all alone, staring out and wondering what they did to deserve it. They are innocent and I have no way to tell them that.

They are casualties. The entire life that I have to leave behind is a casualty. Some people will think this decision is selfish or wrong. Unfortunately, I do not have the luxury of time, support, or money. Sometimes we have to do despicable things to ensure that we don't cause more damage in the future. I will never see the sun again.

Identity Crisis

I debated whether or not I wanted to post this or not and for some reason I'm deciding to. Lately, I've been having trouble writing for this blog because I feel like I can't complete any thoughts or that I begin writing and my thoughts get a bit too personal for the public eye. I'm deciding to post this for no other reason other than that I want to. If someone reads this and relates, great. If not, then the internet will just have a bit more junk added to it today.

Anyone who has spent a fair amount of time with me lately, knows that I have been going through a sort of identity crisis. I sometimes find myself in situations where I feel very uncomfortable or very fearful of doing something. I have that moment of doubt because I still feel extremely unsure of who I am and I keep surprising myself with my own reactions.

Many people do not realize just how much of a change I am going through right now. Some people do. The change has been pretty drastic but I think most people will agree that the change has been nothing but positive. I want to bury the old me and purge my life of negativity and fear. I think there are really 3 main aspects to my identity journey. I now have the answers to a ton of questions but I have yet to figure out how these pieces fall into place.

• In my entire life, I have never truly felt comfortable in my own skin. I am disgusted at times when I think of the damage I have done to myself over the years. Many of the scars that I bear are a constant reminder of the hatred that my body is capable of. My physical weakness is a direct reflection of a bad lifestyle that lasted for so many years. I realize that I have taken many steps to remedy these issues but it is still quite easy to fall into a trap of frustration. Just because a person decides to find a solution and pursue it, does not necessarily mean it will be an easy journey.

• Another aspect I have been trying to figure out is my sexuality and what types of characteristics are a part of me. I don't really like the idea of crazy labels or categories but at the same time, I'm starting to think that my sexuality will play a larger role in any of my decisions to pursue any type of romantic relationship in the future. One of my biggest fears after my breakup was that I would have to enter some crazy hyper-sexual world in order to create a relationship with someone. I think that because I am able to be in a relationship with any person (bi/pan), there is a horribly wrong assumption that I must be an extremely sexual person. As part of my self-discovery, I realize that my next partner must be respectful of this.  

• The last big thing that keeps me awake at night is just the inability to eliminate all of my fears. I am so happy with my life right now, that I always have the constant fear that I will one day lose it all. I feel blessed to be able to share my time with special people. I sometimes worry that I'm actually insane and that my brain has created a life of illusion. I know what my heart feels and I want to know that I will continue to remember the value of that. I lost touch with that once and it's something that I really never want to lose again.

I am so grateful for this opportunity in my life to explore who I am and what type of life I want to have. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a dream world because I can't believe how incredible the people around me are. I strive to make myself worthy enough to have wonderful people in my life. Life is all about balance. I have seen the darkness, now it's time to see the light.  

A Long Time To Be Silent

I thought about being single today. I remember a time where I was terrified to be alone because I wasn't sure if I could survive on my own. I was afraid of being lonely and possibly never finding someone new again. I look at things in a different light these days. A much more hopeful and goal oriented approach.

I no longer see relationships as an investment. I think when people look at it from that perspective, it makes relationships become quantitative. Regardless of how any relationship ends up, I think they should just be appreciated for what they are during the present time. No one can predict the future and no one be certain that tomorrow will be the same as today.

That being said, I do indeed want to grow old with someone. The difference in my approach is that I do not NEED to grow old with someone. I do not want to “obtain” a partner or feel like they “belong” to me. I want to share my time with someone, not give it away.

Truthfully, I actually do have the perfect idea of a person in mind. This person will be empowered, social, kindhearted, and independent. This person will challenge me to do things that I wouldn't normally do and enjoy the journey with me. This person will terrify me and make me feel brave all at the exact same time. I currently feel unworthy of such a person today. It is part of the reason I strive to become a better person.

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I wrote this article originally on 06/13/2013. I never felt right about posting it on my blog back then but I feel like it is more appropriate now for some reason. I haven’t been writing regularly because I’ve been experiencing a sort of writer’s block. Inspiration is nearby and I will have something valuable to write about soon!

Life In Death

I spent the morning with my uncle today. Something I should probably make more effort to do in the future. It was my first time spending time with him as my new self and I can tell by his reactions that he had no idea who I was. It was almost like we were just meeting each other for the first time. I felt like there was such a strong sense of hope and discovery. Even though I've known him my entire life, I almost felt like I might meet a new person as well. It was a good experience and it even allowed me to catch a glimpse of life from a different perspective.

Today allowed me to creep a bit back into the life of my former self. I found myself feeling fear and uneasiness for the first time in a long time. One of my biggest regrets in life was not visiting a friend in the hospital when he was in his last days. I found myself in the hospital parking lot twice but I never went in to visit. Something always came up as a valid excuse to not go in. This is one of those things I still try to forgive myself for and it was a mistake that I will never repeat.

Today I was presented with an opportunity to visit someone who has been a friend of the family for years. It's a strange feeling to walk into a room and know that it will be the last time you lay eyes on someone while there is still life within them. What I witnessed didn't hurt the way I anticipated but it did not shock me any less either.

I expected to see the worst. I expected to see an empty shell of a man. All I could think about was how the weakness of the body had completely drained the soul of any life. I felt pangs of fear as I looked into blue eyes that barely recognized me. There was absolutely nothing left there.

It scared me. To think that my entire being could be wiped away in an instant. I will never see that man alive again and I can only cling to the more positive memories that I have of him. I hope that others will do the same for me if my time in this life decides to end.

I know that I always preach that we should live our lives without fear. I haven't quite figured out how to deal with death yet though. I used to embrace the idea of death because I always felt it was more of a release than a loss. Today I worry that my imprint in this life won't be strong enough.

I believe it true that the only real regrets in life are the things that we do not do. Old me would dwell on fear and create insecurities. The new me takes over and knows that I have goals.

I want to grow old with someone who inspires me to be a better person. I want to be apart of a family that welcomes people into it. I want to learn about everything and keep making mistakes. I want to give to the people I love and let me see happiness through their eyes.

I will achieve everything I want.