Life In Death

I spent the morning with my uncle today. Something I should probably make more effort to do in the future. It was my first time spending time with him as my new self and I can tell by his reactions that he had no idea who I was. It was almost like we were just meeting each other for the first time. I felt like there was such a strong sense of hope and discovery. Even though I've known him my entire life, I almost felt like I might meet a new person as well. It was a good experience and it even allowed me to catch a glimpse of life from a different perspective.

Today allowed me to creep a bit back into the life of my former self. I found myself feeling fear and uneasiness for the first time in a long time. One of my biggest regrets in life was not visiting a friend in the hospital when he was in his last days. I found myself in the hospital parking lot twice but I never went in to visit. Something always came up as a valid excuse to not go in. This is one of those things I still try to forgive myself for and it was a mistake that I will never repeat.

Today I was presented with an opportunity to visit someone who has been a friend of the family for years. It's a strange feeling to walk into a room and know that it will be the last time you lay eyes on someone while there is still life within them. What I witnessed didn't hurt the way I anticipated but it did not shock me any less either.

I expected to see the worst. I expected to see an empty shell of a man. All I could think about was how the weakness of the body had completely drained the soul of any life. I felt pangs of fear as I looked into blue eyes that barely recognized me. There was absolutely nothing left there.

It scared me. To think that my entire being could be wiped away in an instant. I will never see that man alive again and I can only cling to the more positive memories that I have of him. I hope that others will do the same for me if my time in this life decides to end.

I know that I always preach that we should live our lives without fear. I haven't quite figured out how to deal with death yet though. I used to embrace the idea of death because I always felt it was more of a release than a loss. Today I worry that my imprint in this life won't be strong enough.

I believe it true that the only real regrets in life are the things that we do not do. Old me would dwell on fear and create insecurities. The new me takes over and knows that I have goals.

I want to grow old with someone who inspires me to be a better person. I want to be apart of a family that welcomes people into it. I want to learn about everything and keep making mistakes. I want to give to the people I love and let me see happiness through their eyes.

I will achieve everything I want.

Body Cannot Keep Up With The Mind

I haven't posted for a few days because I have been trying to catch up on my busy schedule. For those who did not know, I ended up getting pretty sick this week. I think all of the events over the past couple of weeks started to catch up with me and my body had no choice but to succomb to the weakness.

It made me wonder what type of energy fuels the body and what type fuels the mind. Part of my ritual during my sick time was to ensure that I had a constant flow of drugs that would keep me sedated. Even with the way I was feeling, my body felt the constant compulsion to try to wake up and do stuff! It feels almost ridiculous to want one thing and have a different part of you want something completely different.

Sometimes, I have a hard time accepting my own weaknesses and I feel like there is a large disconnect between the body and mind. In our bodies, the mind is the segment that shelters our consciousness. I have often tried to feel the entire presence of my inner being without taking into consideration any form on consciousness. This might sound weird to a lot of people, but I don't like the idea of thinking that my mind is controlled by my body.

How can something as powerful as the human mind exist within something so fragile and weak? The mind is capable of producing ideas and changing worlds. The bodies that we are in seem extremely weak in comparison. The slightest changes forces ourselves to realign and reshift our lives.

The obvious solution is to make sure that the body has the strength and fuel that the mind needs. The next part of my journey is to finish a cleanse and begin strengthening my body so that it can keep up with the life I seek. We are greater than the simple vessels that we are bound to and we should always aspire to overcome our weaknesses!

Perception Through Observation

I have been thinking a lot about perceptions and our own animal instincts lately. As humans, we perceive different things about different animals through observation. For example, we know that tigers are ferocious animals that are strong and have an extremely powerful presence. What are the characteristics that cause us to have these perceptions? We have all probably seen images of a tiger being aggressive. We have the perceptions that we do because we have all seen the physical strength of this animal but we also realize that there is an animalistic aggressive nature to the tiger as well. We live in a society where we understand that we cannot sit in a tiger cage and expect it not to eat us.

It’s not really a secret, since the basis of learning is usually through observation. Our curious nature as humans and our ability to adapt and learn has allowed us to tie our perceptions to what we see with our own eyes. Our brains associate certain qualities to certain traits and then we impart those thoughts and file them away as “knowledge”. This is how our brains create perceptions. They are learned through observation and association. So how do our brains create illusions or even disillusions?

The illusions come from the emotions that we tie to our perceptions. When we feel fear, we project it into our self-image. When we feel brave, we seem to exude confidence. It’s all within our own minds though. There are many times that I have felt absolutely terrified, yet others around me seemed to think I was calm and confident. I realized that I have the ability to control what others see. The real challenge is making yourself see and perceive the same image that you project.

People who know me, know that one of my ultimate self goals is to never hurt others. I do not like to project negativity or intentionally harm others. I understand that pain is inevitable in life and that I most likely will hurt people throughout my life, however, the difference is when the heart feels the intent or not. I used to be full of fear. I was scared of the judgement of others and when I gained strength, I became scared of the damage that I could inflict on others. I know deep down that the person I am does not desire pain, even if my own perception of myself is different at the time.

Everything always leads back to the elimination of fear. True power lies inside all of us and so does the ability to make choices. We are not tigers, we just want to be like them.

Taking The Plunge!

In a few more hours, I take the plunge! I am going skydiving for the first time in my life. I totally crave the feeling of “letting go”. It will be a symbol of overcoming fear and just letting life happen. I feel like there were many times in my life where I’ve talked a lot of talk but never followed up with any actions. The past few weeks, I have made a conscious effort to follow up on all things with an action plan. I think this is important to me as a person who has been let down a countless amount of times because I am able to realize that the one true person that I have to be able to count on is myself. When you control your own life, no one can ever take anything away from you.

Do not dwell on things that will bring you down for no reason. I think people with negative energy find it difficult to keep promises and secrets. I believe this so much to be true because I strongly believe in the inverse effect. I often think that when I have discovered my true love, I will know it because I will find myself keeping promises and whispering secrets to her. I can already feel a pulse within myself that is constantly sending out a frequency to pull this person to me. I want this pulse to work just like sonar does. I want my energy to radiate outwards and echo around the surroundings that it tries to pass into.

Every positive has a negative, so for as much as you can see something negative, always remember that it’s inverse positive must also exist. I think it’s up to each individual to determine what those positives are and stick with it. It’s often easier to believe in the negative things that exist because we feel the evidence through pain and frustration. Why does it always seem like more of a struggle to feel the inverse: happiness and serenity? It’s because we are afraid to let go. We are afraid to just take the plunge and enjoy the feeling!

I woke up this morning around 5am and sat around for a while just watching the sunrise. It’s probably the first time in my life that I was actually really excited to see the sun come up. I was really excited for this new day to start. I feel childlike excitement. I want to go out today and honor this day by living it the way it’s supposed to be.

We all have the ability to drive the vehicle of our own lives. The decision comes in whether or not we impose speed limits, rules, and expectations on our roads.

Patience For Judgement

I’ve been having trouble being around people with negative energy and closed minds. I have to clarify what I mean by this because it can be interpreted in different ways. When I refer to negative energy, I am not referring to people who complain or someone who has to vent. I refer to the people who complain and don’t seek change. Some people are so blinded by fear that they refuse to open their minds to anything. The judgement that these people feel they have to pass onto others is really disruptive to be around. It has caused an imbalance in me today and left me feeling uneasy as I write this.

I found myself feeling kind of sad today. I realize how close minded some people who I hold close to my heart are. I want these people to succeed in life. I want these people to be happy. I do not try to change people because I believe that true change comes from discovery. It becomes hard for me though, when I have to listen to someone who is unhappy and unwilling to change or to open their minds. I haven’t quite figured out how I’m supposed to handle this yet.

I do not like feeling like I have to second guess myself. Being around close minded people has made me question my relationships and my sexuality lately. I won’t compromise who I am for any reason but its hard sometimes to feel comfortable spending time with someone who is opposed to a large part of your own life. Patience and time are the hardest things in life to wait around for. I know that my solution lies within a greater understanding and I will figure out how to deal with things in time.

My sadness comes from the fact that my only known solution is just to distance myself from these people for a while until I figure out a better plan of action for myself.

For now, I can love these people with a cautious heart and keep surrounding myself with people who recharge me. I am extremely grateful to the people who uplift my heart and re-balance my soul.

Clarity Overcomes Fear

I was sitting in front of my house the other day, when two young neighborhood kids rolled by on their scooters. They were talking about playing street hockey when suddenly the more talkative boy stopped moving, turned to the other and asked, “is there someone else that you like more than me?”. The questioning boy stared impatiently, waiting for a reply, while the other boy just shrugged and started to scoot away. I thought about why a comparison was so important to that kid. It made me question my own insecurities and my own need for validation.

Insecurity is a perfect example of a side effect that stems from an inner imbalance. It is a result of fear. When you really step back and think about it, fear is just our minds asking the question "what if?". All fears are self-constructed and we do so because we are constantly trying to validate ourselves and understand our place in the world.

I can recall a moment in a recent conversation with someone, where a friendly sentiment was said to me and it resulted in the other person fearing that they had said something wrong. I have second guessed my words and actions countless times before but it was interesting for me to see this from the flip side. I questioned whether I had given this person a reason to be scared of my reaction (funny how easily you can see fear spread). What could my worst reaction really be? Does it outweigh what my possible best reaction could have been?

After a moment of contemplation, I saw the sentiment for what it was. It was a sign of friendship. It was a form of positive expression. I think that sometimes we just say things because it is a part of us. Not everything in life has to be read into so deeply. I think that the only way to truly communicate something important is to just go ahead and be explicit. Confusion can be resolved by communication. So we should have no fear if we know the right questions.

As for the kids outside, sometimes people just don’t connect. We are human. There is a time and place for everything and sometimes we cannot seize the proper opportunities to make things work. 

I try to live life with no sense of real fear. There are times when it seems impossible, but everything can always be broken down into solvable problems. Keep your mind and heart open and true validation will blossom from within.

Discovery of the Soul

Over the past 28 years, I've struggled with the ideas of souls, spirits and the afterlife. I recently began believing in inner energy but could never understand the place of souls within my own "big picture". I think today, my interpretation of the meaning of a soul has changed.

I took a step back from the ideas of anything that I’ve ever known about physical matter and consciousness and feel like I began to understand a new meaning. My belief in the soul is the same belief in the existence of a life force. There is a part of us that determines the essence of our being. There is a part of us that understands every possible force or pattern in the universe. I believe that there is proof of the existence of a soul when you consider something as simple as our perception of human significance.

I can try to explain this by considering the example of our egos and the amount of importance that we see in our own lives. Have you ever walked into an empty room or a large house and felt it’s emptiness? That feeling is brought on because we feel tiny in such a large space. Now, if you take that same idea and apply the concept to the scale of the universe, how tiny do you really feel in everyday life?

Our egos allow us to live our lives with our own selves at the center of the big picture. Even though we understand that we are just a tiny speck of a larger picture, we are all still able to exist and try to create a life of meaning. We know that we exist for a reason. We know that some things in life become really important to us. Thriving for existence is a common desire amongst every living being and it's because there is something within all of us that believes it's worth doing. It’s the same reason we feel the need to have children or create new things. We hope that we can imprint ourselves in this life so that we can find our way back after we reach the unknown.

This idea goes along well with the idea of reincarnation or rebirth. It's like we try to leave a mark in other people's lives because we want to make sure that its something we can rediscover again. In our lives we have the chance to make choices. We have the chance to make decisions that will directly affect the people around us. We can impact each other fully because we are all a part of the same existence.

The soul is the essence that will exist once this life is over. It is the essence that we feel when we try to consider our "true" selves. The energy that sparks life or our inner energy is the force that ties our souls to our physical vessels. It can even help explain why sometimes some of us don't always feel comfortable in our own skin. The only thing that matters is how we live and what we do while we are here. I think that we all strive to achieve transcendence whether we believe in anything or not.

In some way, shape or form, we will all eventually get to our goal. We just have to take everything in stride and make our current existence work for ourselves. We have to think outside the ego and really focus on what makes us whole. Keep your energy positive and strong and you will eventually find yourself down the path towards true heaven.

A place where you will want nothing and everything all at the same time. A place of complete balance. Our end goal: harmony.