Life In Death

I spent the morning with my uncle today. Something I should probably make more effort to do in the future. It was my first time spending time with him as my new self and I can tell by his reactions that he had no idea who I was. It was almost like we were just meeting each other for the first time. I felt like there was such a strong sense of hope and discovery. Even though I've known him my entire life, I almost felt like I might meet a new person as well. It was a good experience and it even allowed me to catch a glimpse of life from a different perspective.

Today allowed me to creep a bit back into the life of my former self. I found myself feeling fear and uneasiness for the first time in a long time. One of my biggest regrets in life was not visiting a friend in the hospital when he was in his last days. I found myself in the hospital parking lot twice but I never went in to visit. Something always came up as a valid excuse to not go in. This is one of those things I still try to forgive myself for and it was a mistake that I will never repeat.

Today I was presented with an opportunity to visit someone who has been a friend of the family for years. It's a strange feeling to walk into a room and know that it will be the last time you lay eyes on someone while there is still life within them. What I witnessed didn't hurt the way I anticipated but it did not shock me any less either.

I expected to see the worst. I expected to see an empty shell of a man. All I could think about was how the weakness of the body had completely drained the soul of any life. I felt pangs of fear as I looked into blue eyes that barely recognized me. There was absolutely nothing left there.

It scared me. To think that my entire being could be wiped away in an instant. I will never see that man alive again and I can only cling to the more positive memories that I have of him. I hope that others will do the same for me if my time in this life decides to end.

I know that I always preach that we should live our lives without fear. I haven't quite figured out how to deal with death yet though. I used to embrace the idea of death because I always felt it was more of a release than a loss. Today I worry that my imprint in this life won't be strong enough.

I believe it true that the only real regrets in life are the things that we do not do. Old me would dwell on fear and create insecurities. The new me takes over and knows that I have goals.

I want to grow old with someone who inspires me to be a better person. I want to be apart of a family that welcomes people into it. I want to learn about everything and keep making mistakes. I want to give to the people I love and let me see happiness through their eyes.

I will achieve everything I want.