Nomad

I often feel like I have no idea what I'm doing in this life or where I am going. For the most part, I'm really happy with my life and everything I have in it, but there's always a fear of the future. Over the past few months, I've learned how to live life in the moment and just enjoying the act of "being". What bothers me is the uncertainty and lack of a plan for my future.

Whenever I try to plan, I start questioning what I really want. I am worried to fall into the same trap I did years ago. I am worried that I will start to build up something new all over, only to have to give it all up at some point again. Then the other question that arises is always, "what exactly am I looking to build?". I feel as though I can look backwards on the past and pinpoint huge turning points that led me to where I am today. What I cannot do, is see how my present will lead me into a future.

I feel like a nomad or misfit most of the time. Everyone seems to have a place that they belong to, whereas I am just waiting to see where I fit in. All of the puzzle pieces are finally in front of my eyes but they often mean nothing because I cannot tell how everything falls together. I want everything and nothing at the exact same time because my heart leads me in directions that often leave me feeling frustrated.

There are many moments where I feel completely contrasting emotions. I realize that I'm still mourning the loss of my old life and the person I used to be. I sometimes find myself wanting to scream out loud and wish I could turn back time. I miss having a partner that would reassure me that I was doing the right thing, even if that person was wrong. I miss having a person that I could confess my fears to, even if they laughed at me for doing so. It crosses my mind quite often that I have ruined the life that I had built, for the wrong reasons.

On the opposite end of my spectrum of thoughts, a part of me feels like a wild mustang that does not wish to be tamed. My soul desires to soar and be free. I have the opportunity to start something new. Who joins me on this journey? I don't know. I do, however, know that the people who I will allow to join me will never put me in chains ever again.

 I realize now that I built something with someone who I have grown to hate.

Hindsight is 20/20

About a million things have changed in my life over the past 7 months. When you're in the moment and trying to make sense of everything, it can sometimes be hard to slow down and begin to understand the momentum of "the bigger picture". It was not until just a few weeks ago that I have been able to step back from my former life and actually take a deep breath. I often feel like I just outran an avalanche. Changes would not stop occurring and calamity just seemed to cascade into every aspect of my life.

There were times that I felt a bit overwhelmed and still do feel that way. So many changes occurred in such a small period of time, that I am only now having time to absorb my reality and to allow my mind to react. Everything occurred at such a fast pace that I feel as though I had to ignore some of my emotions just so that I could keep thriving. I am only now able to sit down and feel the weight of everything and it blows my mind!

I sit back and think of all of the mistakes I had to make and all of the losses that had to be accepted in order to get to where I am today. Most of the losses bear very little weight, however, there are still a few losses that feel a bit tragic in my heart. Regardless of such feelings, given the ability to turn back time and change the course of events, I would not change a thing. For as much tragedy that was experienced, I have experienced ten times more joy as well. There are certain people in my life today that would not be here with me if I had done things differently and I would gladly suffer through everything over and over again to get this result.

Whenever I feel like throwing in the towel, I always remember that without struggle or challenge, strength has no need to exist. I can look back on the past and see a much weaker version of myself. I like to think that the majority of my decisions over the past few months have been made by a person who is good and kindhearted; this is something that I was not.  I was a fearful snake that would often attack and slither away. Today, I feel like I've become a powerful and fearless tiger. I can choose to be ferocious or I can be gentle. For the first time in my life, I am actually beginning to like the person I want to be.

I realize how much there is to discover in life. I realize that I want to be unchained. Real love has no weight, it uplifts.

Recovering From The Flood

The less you need and the less you want, the easier it is to be happy. Some people have approached me recently to ask how I've been doing and when they hear my response, the look on their faces is almost tragic. People do not realize how much they depend and rely on people and things to give them comfort or give them a sense of happiness. It goes without saying that we should not depend on materialistic things to keep ourselves happy. To a less obvious degree, many people don't realize or agree that the only being that one should ever depend on is themselves.

Last week was quite possibly one of the most difficult weeks of my life. It felt like a constant barrage of negativity and complication. It seemed like no matter how much I tried to solve a problem, I would just be challenged again with another one.

At one point I became so overwhelmed that I had to let myself completely succumb to the negativity. It blanketed me and obfuscated the brightness of my soul. In many ways I felt like it extinguished the part of me that I was beginning to like. It extinguished my desire to smile and the willingness to be good.

I let the darkness consume me and let myself cope in a darker way. I let my heart fill up with anger and sadness. I let myself unravel and become nothing but a lifeless shell of misery. I let myself feed off of pain and I reverted back to my old way of thinking. I felt completely hopeless and alone. My heart overflowed with tears and sadness.

I was fearful for a while that I would never be able to recover and never be able to feel like myself again. I was scared that I would get stuck so far into negativity that I would never smile again. I was scared that I would be trapped as a product of my environment and that I would have to react in ways that I found to be despicable.


I eventually came to the conclusion that everyone lives their own life and makes their own decisions. I know that people will judge some of the decisions I make/have made but they do not have to lie in the bed I make. I have lived my entire life trying to achieve a life that society has made me believe that I need. I have compromised myself to try to achieve something that I never really felt was right. Today, I am wise enough to realize that I no longer have to compromise myself and that I am strong enough to go after the life I truly want.

There are certain things that cannot be bought - love, time, forgiveness. There are also largely different variations of all of these things. Sometimes you can find yourself spinning your tires and getting frustrated because you go on a journey looking for the wrong variation. At one of the lowest points in my life, I remember making a wish for someone who would come into my life and rescue me. I realize now that this person was around me all along and what really changed was my own ability to see them. I realize that what I sought was for a person who would inspire me enough to rescue myself.


Now, I embark upon a journey to discover and rebuild the life that I really want. As I rebuild myself, I keep two things in mind:

1. Never depend on anyone but yourself. We cannot expect to wake up tomorrow with the exact same life as today. The only thing we can truly ever understand is our own strengths and weaknesses.   
2. Never rely on anyone or anything for happiness. When one requires nothing, there is no longer risk associated with it being taken away.